Yesterday seems to have been a meaningful day for my friend "Kareem" and I. We had an unplanned visit with one of his friends in Bryant Park, and as is often the case when three people get together, some interesting and unplanned reflections on life ensued. I shared with my friends that I was troubled to hear that my aunt was refusing to attend her sister's wedding. Several factors in the situation caused these uneasy feelings.
First, I am approaching the end of a three year experience of living with my one and only brother. It has been a difficult three years, far harder than I ever imagined it would be. When I think back on the time, what makes me most sad is the fact that we will most likely be parting ways less close than we were at the start of our rooming adventure. What makes me sadder is the fact that I have no control over this. I have made numerous mistakes, been selfish or insensitive, and often been difficult to live with. I have admitted to some of these things :-) in dialogue with my brother. At the end of the day, however, I am unable to restore or change things to be better than their current state. I can only pray and hope to respond well when an opportunity for reconciliation presents itself.
Second, earlier this year my grandmother was very abruptly diagnosed with cancer. She died within a couple of months and the effects sent many aftershocks in a large family that had grown distant over the past ten years. Personal choices, old rivalries, and just good old geographical distance had taken its toll on the relationships between many of my 8 aunts and uncles and the loss of their mother presented in my mind only one potential positive. That this sudden loss would re-awaken the faith of my family and would remind us all that each day is a gift. This reminder, I was sure, would be the start of healing and forgiveness that had been for so long ignored. However, only a few months into this year, what remains clear is that wounds take long to heal, and a tragic and confusing loss has not provided the impetus for change I thought it would.
In a couple of days one of my aunts will be getting married for the second time. She is pregnant with her fiance's child and this has caused great distress in the minds and hearts of some of her siblings. As a result, some of my relatives have refused to support the union and will not be going to her wedding. Yesterday, in conversation with "Kareem and company" I struggled to come to terms with what this decision means in the context of being a Christian and a brother who is currently struggling in his own sibling relationship. I am currently not able to change things with my brother, yet I am standing and watching my Aunt make the choice to maintain and worsen the rift with her sister.
The larger question which was explored with my friends in the park was the manner in which we often handle our disapproval of another's behavior as a Christian. We believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins and that because of His sacrificial death and perfect life we are forgiven and brought into a right relationship with God. We believe that we continue to sin, but that through the power of the Holy Spirit we are being conformed into the image of Christ. We believe we are called to love and forgive as God loves and forgives us and thus re-enact the Gospel in our daily lives. We believe we are called to hold one another accountable in love, out of a desire for others to be able to grow in their relationships with Christ.
Yet, so often instead of practicing these behaviors of love and forgiveness and accountability, we withhold. We show our disapproval of another's behavior by withholding. This is nearly always hurtful for the person on the receiving end and two (along with many other) things often result. The person who is withholding affirms their own righteousness by refusing to condone the behavior, which makes them feel superior to the other person. They are right and the other is wrong. This merit based system is exactly what Jesus condemned the Pharisees for. Second, the person who is being withheld from feels shame and sadness.
The rift that ensues is particularly damaging on many levels. In Christian community, many struggle to share with others the sins in their life for fear that the above dynamic would ensue. As a result, no one shares and people wrongly assume that those around them live perfect lives. The result is a stagnant community that cannot grow in love and grace. In addition, God has created us to live in community. It is one place for us to experience His love for us in a tangible way. When we experience this in community it can also damage our personal relationship with God because we ultimately start to fear what it means to come to Him with our sins as well. We wrongly displace the behavior of our peers onto an all loving, just, and merciful Father and our relationship with Him suffers.
In the end I believe attending this wedding provides an opportunity to move in the direction of healing. By going, my Aunt can communicate with her actions an unconditional love for her younger sister. By making that choice she contributes to the possibility of growing closer and healing some of the wounds that got them both to the place they find themselves in today. But, even more, by choosing to love at this time provides her with the chance to affect positive change in her sister's life in the future. After many of Jesus's healings (both physical and spiritual) He said "you are forgiven, go and sin no more." How can this be re-enacted if there is no relationship to begin with?
First, I am approaching the end of a three year experience of living with my one and only brother. It has been a difficult three years, far harder than I ever imagined it would be. When I think back on the time, what makes me most sad is the fact that we will most likely be parting ways less close than we were at the start of our rooming adventure. What makes me sadder is the fact that I have no control over this. I have made numerous mistakes, been selfish or insensitive, and often been difficult to live with. I have admitted to some of these things :-) in dialogue with my brother. At the end of the day, however, I am unable to restore or change things to be better than their current state. I can only pray and hope to respond well when an opportunity for reconciliation presents itself.
Second, earlier this year my grandmother was very abruptly diagnosed with cancer. She died within a couple of months and the effects sent many aftershocks in a large family that had grown distant over the past ten years. Personal choices, old rivalries, and just good old geographical distance had taken its toll on the relationships between many of my 8 aunts and uncles and the loss of their mother presented in my mind only one potential positive. That this sudden loss would re-awaken the faith of my family and would remind us all that each day is a gift. This reminder, I was sure, would be the start of healing and forgiveness that had been for so long ignored. However, only a few months into this year, what remains clear is that wounds take long to heal, and a tragic and confusing loss has not provided the impetus for change I thought it would.
In a couple of days one of my aunts will be getting married for the second time. She is pregnant with her fiance's child and this has caused great distress in the minds and hearts of some of her siblings. As a result, some of my relatives have refused to support the union and will not be going to her wedding. Yesterday, in conversation with "Kareem and company" I struggled to come to terms with what this decision means in the context of being a Christian and a brother who is currently struggling in his own sibling relationship. I am currently not able to change things with my brother, yet I am standing and watching my Aunt make the choice to maintain and worsen the rift with her sister.
The larger question which was explored with my friends in the park was the manner in which we often handle our disapproval of another's behavior as a Christian. We believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins and that because of His sacrificial death and perfect life we are forgiven and brought into a right relationship with God. We believe that we continue to sin, but that through the power of the Holy Spirit we are being conformed into the image of Christ. We believe we are called to love and forgive as God loves and forgives us and thus re-enact the Gospel in our daily lives. We believe we are called to hold one another accountable in love, out of a desire for others to be able to grow in their relationships with Christ.
Yet, so often instead of practicing these behaviors of love and forgiveness and accountability, we withhold. We show our disapproval of another's behavior by withholding. This is nearly always hurtful for the person on the receiving end and two (along with many other) things often result. The person who is withholding affirms their own righteousness by refusing to condone the behavior, which makes them feel superior to the other person. They are right and the other is wrong. This merit based system is exactly what Jesus condemned the Pharisees for. Second, the person who is being withheld from feels shame and sadness.
The rift that ensues is particularly damaging on many levels. In Christian community, many struggle to share with others the sins in their life for fear that the above dynamic would ensue. As a result, no one shares and people wrongly assume that those around them live perfect lives. The result is a stagnant community that cannot grow in love and grace. In addition, God has created us to live in community. It is one place for us to experience His love for us in a tangible way. When we experience this in community it can also damage our personal relationship with God because we ultimately start to fear what it means to come to Him with our sins as well. We wrongly displace the behavior of our peers onto an all loving, just, and merciful Father and our relationship with Him suffers.
In the end I believe attending this wedding provides an opportunity to move in the direction of healing. By going, my Aunt can communicate with her actions an unconditional love for her younger sister. By making that choice she contributes to the possibility of growing closer and healing some of the wounds that got them both to the place they find themselves in today. But, even more, by choosing to love at this time provides her with the chance to affect positive change in her sister's life in the future. After many of Jesus's healings (both physical and spiritual) He said "you are forgiven, go and sin no more." How can this be re-enacted if there is no relationship to begin with?
Kreecoco, I had an epiphany this morning one about grace- something that I have also been struggling with. I won't go into the exact details but it suggests that sometimes we are a little too hard on ourselves. What I find is that in some instances it is a little easier to forgive others than ourselves. The situation with your brother I find will resolve in time. Time, how I love that creation of God. It is the most amazing thing. That God knew us so well he had to put in something called time just amazes me. Most of our troubles resolve when we learn the mysteries of time.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself the beauty of life which we often miss is that there are many things we can't control that should be a relief but sadly we don't often perceive it as such. May God allow time to be our friend.
As far as your extended family goes, what your Grandmother's passing failed to do to reconcile them should encourage you to trust in God's timing and his ways. If it had reconciled them just the way you wanted, then God will just be a predictable God and from my own experience he often doesn't choose predictable. Events sometimes do fix things but God wants and desires our hearts so much that he will prevent us from trusting at any point that it was a human event that solved a problem rather than his hand. He shares his Glory with none so let's be encouraged to remember that. I enjoyed reading this entry please keep them flowing.
Kareem