Since I was a child I have always had an unhealthy obsession with the Incredible Hulk. I capitalize the title, because the Hulk is worthy of capitalization. Even as an adult, I am occasionally reminded by family members (during large gatherings when I have friends with me) that when I was a kid I would often come storming into the room, tear off my shirt, and bust out my best Hulk impersonation to the amusement of my aunts and uncles.
One of my first childhood toys was a stretch Hulk figure, which allowed you to pull on his arms, which would eventually return to their normal length and shape. Great idea, unless you were a kid like me and pulled too hard. Suddenly your Hulk doll is oozing green goo from the neck and his arms are no longer so stretchy.
Recently, I came across a scrapbook I had created in highschool. Littered on the pages were stories from the paper about the baseball teams I had played for as a kid and class pictures from the first couple of years I attended school. But, smack in the middle of the book was a torn sheet of paper which contained my first attempt at writing a short story. My memory flooded and I recalled attempting to write this story the day after the last televised movie of the Hulk ever aired on networks. The movie was appropriately titled, "The Death of the Incredible Hulk!" I was apparently appalled by the decision to kill off such a vital franchise hero and I took it out on my typewriter. The next morning I started what was to become my magnum opus, "The Hulk Lives!!"
I only filled 2/3 rds of one page.
I guess I was not as passionate as I thought about ensuring a longer life for my childhood hero. But, nevertheless, I felt the need to write the story at the time.
Yes, I have seen both Hulk feature films, and both on opening night. Sick, I know. But since the Ed Norton film came out I have not thought much of the green goliath. I have moved on to more mature films and heroes. You know, like Nacho Libre. But recently my mind wandered to my jade colored friend when I started taking a new vitamin.
I have not been feeling well for quite some time now, and in times of desperation you are willing to try anything in the hope of some relief. So, last week when no one was looking (well I was in my bedroom alone so of course no one was looking) I popped a multi-vitamin in the hopes it might make me feel a tad better. The pill was about as big as a golfball and Im pretty sure it started dissolving as soon as I put it on my tongue cause it left the taste of melted tar in my mouth for about 15 minutes. I waited for my body to feel better, but much to my shock this nasty tasting vitamin did absolutely nothing. That was, of course, until I had to go to the bathroom several hours later.
As I made my way to the restroom I was unprepared for the experience I was about to have. To make a long story short, my urine was neon green! Think classic gatorade flavor. I was shocked and amused at this development. Maybe that vitamin contained traces of gamma radiated material and I was slowly mutating into my childhood superhero. To what extent did this vitamin change my internal make up? If I was pissing green maybe my eyes were going to turn green and I would soon be able to leap the height of some of the tallest new york skyscrapers!
I decided to test it out. As I left my apartment I noticed that the bus I often take was slowly creeping away from the stop. With my new green piss, would I also be also blessed with super human Hulk-like speed? I ran to catch the bus. Pushing myself to the limit, I nearly caught the back of the directional light, but the bus pulled away and I was left walking to the train. Guess the speed thing had not yet kicked in. But, as I approached the train station I was given my second opportunity. As I entered the turnstile I realized my train was about to depart and I arrived at the door as it was closing. I decided to use my new superhuman strength to tear the doors open and ensure I would be a passenger on this very train. But, alas, the door did not open and the train took off leaving me to wait for the next one to arrive.
So, all I got from that crummy vitamin was a bowl full of green pee. But, it was nice to revisit an old childhood friend, and just for a bit, HULK OUT!
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